Do You Want To Be Right Or Happy - Making Couples Counseling Work

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Your therapist probably does NOT have a degree in wizardry. Marriage counselors have extensive training. They have knowledge and they have skills. However, the solutions to your relationship problems require your ACTIVE participation.

When you take the big step to consult with a relationship professional, you should be prepared to do some work to make the counseling succeed.

I have ten recommendation about how you can get involved in the therapy so that your time is most productive:

Write down key insights during the session and journal about it later. Many clients have "aha" moments and then proceed to forget about the insights for the rest of the week. Process the session with your partner. One hour a week is not enough time to repair damage or initiate change.
Ask yourself "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy." This is really important. If you are coming to therapy in order for an arbitrator to determine who is "right", forget it.. Couples counseling is about circular patterns of perception, emotion, and behavior between two parties. In other words, there is no "right" Just different. So prepare yourself and keep an open mind to new ideas, positions, points of view.
Make a regular commitment to an appointment time for therapy. In order for change to happen, you must schedule your appointments with enough frequency that you build a "change momentum." Couples should try to schedule an appointment every week for at least the first 3 - 5 session. If change is going to happen, it will be sooner verses later. Couples' counseling should feel a bit intense and difficult.
Don't withhold information. Don't avoid. Don't sugarcoat. Don't hide. Your counselor can't help you if you are not being 100% authentic. And, don't agree to do something, if you don't think you will. Most couples have shredded their trust prior to coming in. Make sure words and actions are congruent, both in and out of session.
Change is in the "doing." Don't just talk about change in the session. Leave the appointment with an action step, or two. Don't wait for your partner, change starts with YOU.
Think about the "we", rather than the "me." Most couples arrive to their first appointment entrenched in some "me verses you" impasse. Thinking about your relationship as having 3 entities - the me, the you, and the we - helps reframe the problem. Solutions can be found when you explore "what does the "we" need now?" Problems are usually not "partner" problems as much as they are "connection" problems.
Prepare for the session. Ask yourself beforehand, "what do you want to get from the appointment." Do not feel like you need to be passive and wait for the therapist to lead the appointment. Participate, talk, think, ask questions, be there ACTIVELY.
Turn off your cell phones. The phones are an unnecessary distraction. You can take 1 hour to be emotionally present... put down the "smart phone."
Don't get too discouraged too quickly. Think of counseling as a process, not just an outcome. There are different steps in the process. The gathering information step, the uncovering step, the emotional processing step, the learning steps. On the other hand, if change is going to happen, research says the change will happen within the first 3 - 5 visits.
Stop waiting for the right kind of relationship. Be the right kind of partner. Trying to change each other will keep you stuck. Couples therapy isn't about changing your spouse. The work to be done will be on yourself; your partner will have their work, but you aren't responsible for theirs.

The bottom line is this - couples counseling is not about confirming blame. It is about each of you learning how to become the best partner you can be!

Rhonda Audia, LCSW, is an expert on relationships, emotional healing and recovery from divorce. She is the director of Tampa Family Conflict Center in Tampa, Florida. Tampa Family Conflict Center offers marriage and couples counseling, divorce therapy, and relationship education.

To learn more about Rhonda Audia and the Tampa Family Conflict Center, visit her website at: http://www.tampafamilyconflict.com/

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