Marriage: Is It Really About Meeting Each Other's Needs?

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Many people enter relationships convinced it is about liking or loving another. But inevitably, relationships break down and we all discover just how much it is about ourselves rather than the other person!

Consider Joe and Kathy. Joe was drawn to Kathy's no nonsense, get results approach to life. She sized people up well and used it to her advantage. On the other hand Kathy enjoyed that Joe was laid back and not easily offended. Kathy was able to slice and dice her way to success that they both enjoyed and Joe softened her edge with his keen, diplomatic relationship skills. Joe and Kathy were a formidable pair. That is, until they got married. Kathy's abrasiveness began rubbing Joe the wrong way and Kathy interpreted Joe's easygoing nature as lazy and non-committal. Neither had changed who they were so what was the problem?

Marriage calls for the destruction of individual lives so that each person can embrace the life of Christ. Neither of them was prepared this. And if you asked either of them, they both would agree that they did not sign up for such an experience. Let me explain further.

When dating, both Kathy and Joe used each other to perpetuate their own lives. Hence, while dating, each benefited from the other. And it worked well for a while. Joe and Kathy's respective ways allowed them to get their needs met at the expense of the other. All that was required was for them to keep on being who they were best at being. Kathy was best at taking charge and making things happen. Joe was best at relating to and accommodating others. The two approaches are perfectly compatible!

But now Joe and Kathy were married. Enter the God factor! Saying "I do" elevates relationship to a different arena - God's arena. God sets the rules, calls the plays and coaches husband and wife. No longer is it simply up to the preferences and discretions of husband or wife. God sets out to make a husband and wife after His liking. Joe and Kathy are perfectly suited for one another, however, not in their current form. God will reduce each of them to their lowest common denominator in order that each might discover the Great Unifier, which is Christ.

But, this is a process and a difficult one at that. What makes it so difficult is that, like Joe and Kathy, each of us must be weaned from serving our own needs. The conflict couples experience involves wrestling to get their individual needs met; it's a fight to survive and the survival depends on meeting their own needs. It's human nature.

We all have basic needs for food, clothing and shelter. God promises to provide these things for us. Paul writing to the Philippians 4:19 says this,

"And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus."

Not only do these reflect natural needs, but spiritual and soulish needs as well. We all have a need for unconditional love. It is food to our spirit and soul. We all have a need for authority. It is clothing to our spirit and soul. We all have a need for protection. It provides shelter for our spirit and soul. God has made provision for all of these needs as well. Jesus affirms Paul when he tells His disciples

That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life-whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

"And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing,yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? (Matthew 6:25-30)

The take home message here is that need fulfillment is not optional. God clearly states His intent to meet our needs because He understands the consequence of not doing so - we will attempt to meet them ourselves. But we cannot serve God and our needs. Jesus describes the experience as attempting to serve two (different) masters at the same time. In Matthew 6:24 Jesus said,

"No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

Much of marital and relationship conflict arises from our attempts to do what God said could not be done. We cause internal conflict by trying to meet our own needs and thus our own suffering. God promised to meet our needs-physical, as well as soulish and spiritual needs. Why? So that you and I can focus exclusively on serving Him! Read what Jesus said in Matthew 6:33.

"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need."

Like Joe and Kathy, husbands and wives have a choice. We can trust, that is, plan and participate with God or continue to serve ourselves by using our spouse. Serving God leads to life and fulfillment. Serving ourselves leads to destruction. Paul describes it this way,

"But if you bite and devour one another, beware lest you be consumed by one another!" (Galatians 5:15)

Jesus fittingly offers these words,

If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?Is anything worth more than your soul? (Matthew 16:25 and 26)

So, how do husbands and wives move beyond futile attempts to meet their own needs to trusting God to meet their needs? Here are 3 things to help you get started:

1. Admit that you don't know your real need. Most of us attempt to treat the symptoms of a need, rather than the cause of the need. Medicine is notorious for this and serves as a good example. Oftentimes, doctors treat the symptoms of diseases without resolving the cause.

God is committed to eradicating the cause of our needs. Sometimes He may even forego responding to our symptoms in hopes that we will allow Him to address the cause!

Also consider that children believe what they want is what they also need. But you as the parent easily distinguish your child's real need from what they may want. As a responsible parent you set out to meet their need, notwithstanding their objection, right?

God parents us in the same manner. While we may be convinced we need a certain something from our spouse, God is able to distinguish whether or not this is the true need.

When we are convinced we know and have the answer to our needs we are not available to, nor do we seek answers. But when we admit that we don't know what we really need, we take the first step in opening up to receive real and true answers.

2. Ask God to reveal the true cause of your need. This is a more difficult step to take because nearly all of our problems arise from what lies within us. Consider Goliath. To the Israelites Goliath appeared to be a problem. They were afraid to go up against him. Then David comes along confronts Goliath and prevails. I am suggesting that how Goliath appeared to the Israelites and David was different. And the difference can be attributed to how each saw himself. Our problems do not come what we can easily see. They come from the thoughts we think that are not readily observable.

God does not tie our potential, freedom, fulfillment or happiness to anyone other than Himself. To do so, would be to encourage idol worship. And this is something we know that God abhors.

Problems are symptoms. Learning the real cause of your symptoms will require you to confront some unlovely facts about yourself and replacing them with new facts. We can find hope and take courage in knowing that facts are temporary and they can and do change!

Go ahead, ask God why you struggle relationally, financially, or even with your health. But beware my friend; the answer just may wound your ego before it heals your heart.

3. Ask God His plan for resolving your need. This is where you will have to listen and pay attention carefully. God does not think or respond the way we do. At the outset, it may seem that God's answers are unrelated to the need and skirts the symptoms. But I assure you God is faithful to supply answers to your needs. He does so without fail!

And don't be surprised. The answers often come through the most unlikely of activities, tasks and people. We need only be certain in faith that God is instructing us. The failsafe is that God never instructs us outside of His word. Moreover, God will always establish His word in the mouth of 2 or 3 unsolicited witnesses at best.

Husband and wife, the answer to the needs you experience in marriage begins with admitting that you really don't know what your true needs are. Then you can ask God to disclose your real need and His answer to it. In the book of Proverbs, we are told that all that we think seems to right to us, but God distinguishes what we think from why we think it. The cause of our needs lies within this discernment.

Today, I encourage you to try this approach to the answers you seek! E-mail me and let me know what you discover.

Perhaps you are in a relationship and experiencing pain. You love, but the decisions you must make are hard. Want to talk? Take the first step here: http://www.kimmooreandfriends.com/#!procedure-c-and-c

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Red Flags In Marriage

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"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly." -Sam Keen

Marriage does not just come to an abrupt end. There are danger signals that have been ignored. When you observe something isn't right, it's important you deal with as soon as possible before it gets out of hand. There is bound to be friction because of our different backgrounds and temperament but when it becomes quite frequent, both couples should strive to genuinely work things through in order to save the marriage. Share with me some of the red flags which might indicate a marriage is heading for the rock.

There is a loss of trust: When a partner begins to question excessively the activities of his/her partner, which has not been the case in the past.

When friendly jokes easily and frequently becomes hurtful.

When there is constant nagging and argument: It's normal for couples to argue once in a while but it becomes a red flag when it becomes quite frequent.

When sexual passion and intimacy is at its lowest ebb.

A partner feels at ease or happy when the other is not at home or had embarked on a trip or when you feel sad each time you are heading home.

When a spouse becomes the last to know what is going on in his/her partner's life: When you become rather comfortable to share what's happening around you to your family members, friends and maybe your pastor and leaving out your spouse to figure things out by herself/himself.

A lack of interest in proper body care: When your desire to eat right, keep fit, smell and dress nice and look sexy for your spouse gradually wanes.

Lack of compliments: When you start getting tired of giving compliments for supports given because you think it's your partners responsibility to do so.

When you stop praying together: Couples who usually enjoys praying together now finds it difficult to spend time together in prayer.

Difficulty in coming to a compromise: When you find it difficult to agree on things and no one is willing to bend on his/her position.

When spousal affection diminishes: When a spouse do not show concern for the wellbeing of the other and care less whether she/he is sick or out of work etc.

Constantly lusting or in sexual relationship with someone else: When there is a third-party in your marriage whether physically or mentally.

Physical and emotional abuse: When your spouse who has never hit you before starts doing so or making you feel drained emotional.

When your spouse keeps his/her phone or other gadgets from you or when most times he/she steps out to receive a call.

When you wish you had never been married to your spouse or you wish him/her dead so you could be free.

How do you deal with these red flags? Promptness is the word. Don't overlook issues and allow them to go on for a long time without making efforts to nip them in the board. If you need counsel, don't shy away from this but it must be agreed by both of you. Above all, pray together. Couples that pray together have been proven to enjoy peace and longevity in their marriage. Make God the foundation, the pillar and the building block of your home and you will be sure of a blissful home. God bless you and your home.

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Marital Conflict Insights and Self-Help

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The masters of mental and emotional management are the Buddhists. They have enjoyed centuries of deep understanding as to what causes us to adopt distorted viewpoints, and its associated emotional imbalance. Let me give you a simple and common example from my work as a couples' therapist.

Couples become distressed with each other primarily because each partner views their interactive dynamics from their own (inevitably) skewed perspective. These perspectives and reactions arise for several reasons, but when bunched together, creates misunderstanding and a unique view of events - the perfect emotional storm! Here are the dynamics that feed into the typical couple argument:

1. Each person's childhood is peppered with unmet needs and emotional wounds that most people are largely or perhaps completely unaware of. These unmet needs and reactions to trauma cause each person to see events through filters caused by commonly accepted belief norms (such as men's views matter most, women are the weaker sex, children should be seen and not heard, your needs are not important, etc), expected behaviours (such as doing the washing is women's work, gardening the men's work, and children should help with the dishes, you should take responsibility for whatever needs doing), and many similar norms generated by the culture of the wider family, ethnic expectations, religious beliefs and customs, and so on. Some traumatic childhoods result in the adult behaving in ways that are an attempt to gain happiness, but often do the opposite.

2. The quality and type of childhood relationships also influences how a person will relate to a partner. The more intimate, close, caring and responsive the childhood caregivers were, the more these qualities will be evident in the way the grown-up child will relate to those s/he is emotionally close to. Similarly, if these qualities were missing in childhood, the grown adult will be less likely to demonstrate them. Typically, some will be wired to engage warmly and anxiously whenever their prime relationships are under stress, whilst others will distance themselves and withdraw at the slightest sign of conflict or emotional intensity.

3. Everyone is born with certain tendencies which are a mixture of genetic characteristics and past life karma. We each bring into this world predispositions we carried from our previous existences. Scientific research by Ian Stevenson into children who remember past lives has demonstrated that a child's personality tends to be rather like the individual they remember being previously. Thus, we arrive in this world with characteristics that play out in the way we relate to whichever realities we are exposed to. For example, some people arrive in this world anxious about anything and everything, whilst others arrive ready to take on anything and everything.

4. Furthermore, we each have unique qualities that I call 'wiring' differences that may have been affected by the factors discussed above, or for other reasons. Some people relate to the world in very concrete ways ("If I can touch it I'll believe in it."), whilst others are more intuitive ("If I can imagine it, then it's possible."). Similarly, some will relate to the world as a feeling, whilst others will think their way through life, preferring rational reasoning to sensing when decision-making. We are programmed differently to each other, yet we protect ourselves as if ours is the only way to be.

However, when couples get into distress, the last thing they tend to do is seek to understand their partner's history or personality quirks, and therefore to appreciate why their own perspectives are so much different from their spouse's. Instead, it is common for each party to hold onto their own perspective, and to get into a war of who's right and who's wrong in relation to these viewpoints.

Yet, it is a fight no-one can ever win, because the argument is being approached from different starting points based on these personality differences and background conditioning. Arguments of this type will cause each to dig in and defend a position that is neither right nor wrong, but jealously guarded nonetheless.

Quite clearly, to have a fight when each is working from different perspectives on a topic or event is lunacy. Yet, there are very few couples that don't fall foul of this pattern. It is so normal and predictable that this dynamic is behind a couple's distress and conflict that one of the first things I do as a therapist is to describe how this argumentative pattern operates and why it has arisen - the fact that they are wired differently and that they will always be - and that acceptance and understanding will be required for the pair to come to terms with their different backgrounds, and come to support and work with these differences.

Visit http://www.couplescounselling4u.co.nz/ for articles about successful relationships, ways to change relationship dynamics, and how to get couples counseling in person or via Skype. Get informed, skilled and make your relationship really hum.

Jeff Saunders has written numerous articles on personal development, spiritual development, and relationship success Get access to his book The 12 Choices of Winners as a paper book (334 pages) or e-book. For reviews and testimonials of this book head off to http://www.jefferysaunders.com/books.php?productID=1 There's even an e-book available created from the 187 cartoons and key quotes in the main book.

Jeff Saunders is a freelance writer who has taught personal and spiritual development and trained others in this field for over twenty years. He's a counsellor, couples therapist and life coach in private practice, and has trained counsellors, teachers and business people in the fields of communication, personal or professional development, and couples relationships. He's written numerous articles for magazines on relationships and personal development, usually with a spiritual focus, including his book 'The 12 Choices of Winners.'

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When To Ask For Help In Your Marriage

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Susan has a good paying, responsibility laden position as the Human Resources manager of a large company. Allen, her husband also has a good job as a marketing representative for a large manufacturer. Allen is on the road three days per week, and frequently is required to spend at least one night away from home in order to have an early start with clients the next day.

The couple has two school-age children, a girl age 9, and a boy age 7. Both attend school, sometimes having to stay in a temporary day-care facility until Susan can pick them up after she finishes work.

On one particular day, Susan has an unusually stressful day. She spent the morning negotiating the new company health insurance rates from several carriers. Prices were out of sight and no one could agree on the benefits which need to be cut. She also had to fire one of the company's leading salepeople because he had been repeatedly caught in deceptive sales practices.

Allen, had failed to remember his daughter's piano recital the previously night, as he had scheduled an out-of-town meeting with a major client, this having to spend the night out-of-town. To top that off, he was in major danger of losing that client to competition. This situation was out of his control, as his company was becoming very non-competitive in this particular market.

Needless to say, when they both arrived home the next evening, each spouse was under a good deal of stress. They discovered that their son had been injured at school because another boy had punched him in the face and had broken his nose. The school had failed to contact Susan, as Susan's calls had been held during her busy day.

Naturally, the main concern that evening was for their son, as he seemed more upset that his mom had not responded to his crisis, that him having any serious injury. The daughter was distraught that her father had missed her recital and could not understand how he could have been so uncaring.

Dinner had to be prepared, which Susan hastily put together, and suited nobody, including her. Arguments erupted over dinner and continued on into the evening until everyone was ready for bed. Both children went to be upset, and Susan and Allen really began to go at it when they were alone.

The disagreements esculated into name-calling and blaming, which did absolutely no good insofar as solving any issues, as the pressures actually causing the problems were all external and largely due to uncontrollable circumstance.

Divorce was mentioned on both sides and they both finally drifted off to sleep after midnight, even though everyone would have to be "up and at-em" early the next morning.

This type of scenario is very typical of many marriages today, where external events dictate when and how families deal with the events in their lives. Even though Susan and Allen earn high salaries from their jobs and they live quite well, the price that they are paying is very high in their relationships with each other and their children.

A good, third party look at their marriage strategies in light of these pressures is going to be a "must do" if they are to solve their problems. They probably have the same feelings, desires and goals they had when they first were married, but life circumstances have hijacked their marriage.

Annie Hershey has been a relationship counselor for the past 20 years. She works primarily with married couples who find themselves in turmoil just in dealing with all of the headaches that life throws our way when we have to deal with separate careers, children, financial issues, and more.

For additional information and specifics please go to: "Marital Strategies For Success"

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The Deadly Consequence of a Mixed Marriage (2)

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King Solomon is a famous example of a person who breached the instruction in Exodus 34:15-17. Contrary to God's directives, he married many strange women from nations outside Israel such as Moab, Ammon and Edom (1 Kings 11: 1-2). These nations were heathen, idol worshippers which God strictly forbade the Jews to associate with (Deuteronomy 7:3-4) (Joshua 23:12). The effect of Solomon's marriages with women from idol worshipping nations was that his wives turned his heart away from his God and he ended up worshipping the idols of his wives (1 Kings 11:5-9).

The Christian is the modern day Israelite. God is warning us as he warned the Jews in Bible days not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers in marriage. When a Christian marries a spouse outside his faith and doctrines, his relationship with the Lord will become polluted and gradually his commitment will wane. He is certain to backslide over a period of time as Solomon did (1 Kings 11:6) which caused God to judge him (1 Kings 11:9-13). His mixed marriages were a major component of his fall. Marriage is irreversible which makes a mixed marriage a painful cross to carry even if the believing partner in the marriage repents of his folly (Romans 7:1-3). It makes better sense to avoid a mixed marriage.

The fact remains that the Bible and its doctrines is the authentic, undiluted word of God. There are so-called Christian sects whose doctrines are at total variance with the established doctrines or tenets of the true Christian faith. For example, a Christian sect that does not believe in the resurrection, virgin birth and deity of Jesus Christ is at variance with the Bible's doctrines on the salvation of Man. Such sects and their members are certainly not on the Narrow Way (Matthew 7:13-14).

Therefore, it is a spiritual accident for a Christian in the Body of Christ to entangle himself in marriage with a member of such sects. If he does, then his marriage is a mixed marriage and an ungodly relationship and will likely face the same perils that befell King Solomon.

A focused Christian who knows where he is heading to in eternity must exercise great care in his walk with the Lord to avoid any entanglements that can jeopardize his eternity in the kingdom of God. He has to submit to the leadership of the Lord in everything (Isaiah 48:17) (Psalm 32:8) (Proverbs 16:9). He must not lean on his own understanding which can lead to eternal ruin (Proverbs 14:12) (Proverbs 3:5-6). In matters of marriage as an institution set up by God, a Christian must submit to the authority of the Holy Spirit for divine guidance especially in mate selection.

The type of choices a Christian makes in marriage can have either a positive or negative effect on his walk with the Lord and his eternal destination. It is an error marrying a person based on morals because morals only are not sufficient. Real Conversion to Christ is what is needed and that is a surer foundation. Outside real conversion, one is merely a refined sinner based on morals. A Christian must not make the mistake of marrying an unbeliever in the hope that he can convert him/her later.

It is the divine grace of God that can convert a sinner. In choosing a mate for marriage, submission to the authority of the Holy Spirit in whom there is no error, for guidance and direction is a must. There must be no relationship between the temple of God and the temple of idols which is what a mixed marriage stands for (2 Corinthians 6: 14-18).

In conclusion, success in marriage is only possible when a Christian accepts the Bible as the final authority in matters concerning marriage and willing to pay the price to abide by its guidelines.

The author, Ayodele Adegbulugbe, is a Christian counselor and evangelist. He owns the marital blog, http://www.maritalsuccessresource.com/ where he discusses relationship issues.

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Healthy Communication

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Language is a uniquely human invention. We were given language to create, convey information, and express ourselves. Can you imagine going through the day without narrating your experiences in your head? The problem with language is that we often take its power and influence for granted - especially when communicating with our spouse. There are 5 essential principles for healthy communication.

Rule number one, attack the problem, not the person. This rule is often broken in the heat of the moment when we feel we are being attacked ourselves. Staying focused on the problem and not slandering the person is integral to healthy communication.

Rule number two, don't bring up the past (stay in the here and now). Often this occurs when we break rule number one and we want to lash out at our partner, so we end up bringing up something they did wrong from the past.

Rule number three, speak from you own thoughts and feelings. We often want to put our feelings onto other instead of owning them ourselves. We might say, "John why do you always abandon me at parties." Instead we could say, "John, I would prefer you to stay with me at parties."

Rules number four, stay away from absolutes. We can use the preceding example to illustrate this point as well. When Mary was accusing John of abandoning her at parties, she used the word always. The problem is this type of statement leave John nowhere to go. It backs him into a corner and paints him one shade of color so that he has to defend himself.

Rule number five, don't bring in other people - no triangulation. When we feel attacked we often want to bring in other people to take our sides. This does not mean we physically go get someone, but more metaphorically, when we mention someone else's name in the conversation to illustrate our point. "I was talking to Susan about this issues and she agrees with me that you're being a real heel." Or the husband might reply, "Bob thinks you're being completely unreasonable in this issue."

In addition to the 5 rules, there are several techniques that can be helpful to support the rules. We'll discuss the 3 most important. Consider paraphrasing what your partner has said in order to convey empathic listening. For example, "Mary, I hear that you are upset and feel abandoned at parties and that you would like me to stay with you more and socialize as a couple." Or, "John, I hear that you like to talk with your men friends about men things sometimes and not always socialize at parties as a couple." By paraphrasing our partner's statements demonstrates a sense of being heard and emotionally validated.

Another technique is not trying to solve your partner's problem. When your partner venting to you about his or her day, don't take the other persons side or jump in and try to solve their problem. Your job in this case is to soothe your partner's frustrations and encourage them in solving their own problem. Men, this especially pertains to you.

Finally, try the technique of walking away or talking about the issues at a later date. The rule of never going to sleep mad is ridiculous. Having time to compose yourself, or giving yourself time to think through and issues is never wrong. Some issues are such hot buttons they need thoughtful consideration before they are discussed.

Healthy communication is not natural. We have to work at how we communicate in order to resolve our differences and move forward as a couple. The goal is not ever to argue, the goal is to argue in a way that leaves us individually more whole, and collectively in a better place as a couple.

Tom Philp, MS, LPC, NCC is a Licensed and Board Certified Professional Counselor. He has over 12 years experience as a counselor, coach, and consultant, and currently manages a group practice in Tulsa, OK. He devotes the majority of his clinical work to the healing and repair of hurting marriages.

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Why Would A Husband Suddenly Pull Away During A Trial Separation?

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I sometimes hear from wives who are very disappointed in their husband's changing behavior while they are on a trial or martial separation. Sometimes, things have even been going extremely well and then suddenly, things change for the worse.

I heard from a wife who said: "my husband and I mutually agreed to separate. Our marriage had been struggling and although I knew I wanted to work things out, he was not so sure. I was afraid to allow him to leave our home, but much to my surprise, things actually began to improve during our separation. I think that he missed me and we had some of the best, most honest talks we had ever had in our marriage. It seemed to bring us closer for a while. I held off on asking him when he was coming home because I didn't want for him to feel pressured. But as soon as I started to mention how nice it would be when he came home, his attitude changed slightly. So I backed off. Things appeared to get back to normal, but then a few days later, he acted distant again. Then days after that, he stopped calling. When I called him, he said that his life just got busy due to work. He was friendly enough but I sensed something had changed. I want to ask him about this but I'm not sure if I really want to know the answer. I'm scared to hear that he has met someone else or that he really doesn't want to be with me after all. Why would he suddenly become distant when things were going so well? And what can I do now?"

There are many reasons that a husband can be hot and cold during a separation. In the following article, I will go over some possible reasons as well as offer some suggestions on where to go from here.

Why He Might Suddenly Pull Away During A Separation (Even When Things Are Going Well.)

Deep in her heart, the wife already suspected that asking her husband about coming home had suddenly turned him cold. And she might have been right about this. It's very common for men to become distant or to back up a little bit once his wife begins to pressure him (even just a little bit) to come home.

I know that this seems unfair because you have every right to want him to come home. And you want to share how you feel with him. And you want him to tell you that he was hoping that you would ask because he wants to come home also. But there is a real risk that opening that door will cause him to close another. It is no coincidence that most of us separated wives get the best response from our husbands when we make a very conscious attempt to make things very light hearted, playful, and low in the pressure department. Once we abandon this strategy, he can be disappointed and can wonder if we were just pretending all along.

So I would say that feeling pressured is the most common reason that you will see a man become distant. The more you pressure him, question him, try to gauge him, or make him feel negative emotions like guilt and shame, the more likely he is going to be to distance himself.

Another reason that you might see him becoming distant is that he is under the influence of friends or family who do not share your cause. Often, his single friends will try to pull him into their lives or his separated or divorced friends will tell him how much better their lives are now that they are single.

Sometimes, he backs up a little because he realizes that he's not yet experienced those things or explored those feelings that he meant to when he began the separation. In short, he might feel that he became distracted while things were going so well between you, but now he needs to see things through.

How To Respond When You Don't Understand His Distance:

I would caution you to not overreact. I know that this hurts. And I know that it is hard not to assume the worst. But if you come at him with all sorts of accusations or pleas for assurance, you just might make this worse. Because there is a decent chance that this is just a passing thing that will fade to memory once you bide your time.

So to the extent that you can, take him at face value until he gives you a concrete reason to stop doing that. Continue to do what was working before. Remain playful. Keep flirting with him. See where that strategy continues to take you. Do not panic. Do not apply more pressure. If you do these things and you meet some resistance, then you may wish to back off and see if that will entice him to move toward you. Sometimes, your own silence will inspire his curiosity. I would caution you, however, not to take this to extremes. Don't out and out ignore him, pretend that you don't care, or make him think that you are seeing someone else. You want to behave in a way that you can be proud of. And you don't want to do anything that can come back to haunt you later.

When my own husband and I were separated, I did not understand these principles and I did what I just told you not to do.  I pressured him and tried to make him guilty so that he would come home. This was the biggest mistake that I could have possibly made. I created many more problems for myself and it took me much longer to save my marriage. But eventually, I was successful.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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Rule 2 for Saving Your Marriage

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However it happened, you find yourself in the middle of a marriage crisis. You may not have even seen it coming. Maybe you did, but you were pretending not to notice. Or maybe you saw it coming, but couldn't do anything about it.

Your first reaction is likely shock. You feel that gut-wrenching grab in your stomach, the cold sweat of fear gripping you. That "punched in the stomach" feeling floods your body with adrenaline, pumping you into an all-out fear response.

If you are like most people, your initial response is to try to convince your spouse that he/she is wrong. You beg and plead for an opportunity to change. For an opportunity to do something different.

You believe that if you just give a rational response, an argument to work on things, your spouse will get on board.

You are hoping that your spouse's mind can be changed.

That failing, you react in an emotional way, hoping that will get through.

Reality check: the reaction of convincing, begging, and pleading sets the stage for an even deeper crisis. In other words, your initial response may do more to push the marriage into crisis than your spouse was even feeling!

In other words, your response does not improve your chances. It worsens them.

But that doesn't mean that the marriage has no chance. Or that there is nothing you can do. Only that your initial reaction may cause more problems.

You want to be opening possibilities, not deepening the crisis and closing doors, right?

So let's just admit that those reactions are based in fear. Fear is primitive, and not the best point of reaction.

There are several reasons why this can be counterproductive.

First, you will likely end up reenforcing the beliefs your spouse already has. The reactions of begging and pleading only make you look needy and unreasonable. If your spouse has any feeling that he/she is not getting his/her needs met, this reaction will create an immediate thought of "see, this is just what I am talking about."

Second, if your spouse feels unheard, misunderstood, or ignored, then as you are trying to "convince" him/her, all that will be felt is your being more dismissiveness of his or her feelings. You may think you are speaking logically, but it will be heard as you being dismissive, of you once again not listening and certainly not validating your spouse's feelings.

Third, there is a psychological term that you need to understand: "psychological reactance." This term refers to the fact that all of us, when we feel pushed, pulled, cajoled, etc., will tend to do the exact opposite, even if we agree with direction to which we are being pushed or pulled.

If someone throws us a rope and pulls, we will pull back. We truly are "stubborn as a mule!" Human nature makes us this way. For survival, it is a fine trait. For working on close human relationships, not so helpful.

So, don't give more to push against.

Remember that most of the time, when you finally hear about the crisis, your spouse has been thinking about this for some time. Few people leave the first time the thought crosses their mind. It is usually after lots of soul searching and thought.

Okay, so we have established that the begging, pleading, and convincing will not work, but will only firm the beliefs you really want to change.

So how do you respond?

First, let's talk about some "don'ts," some things to absolutely avoid.

Please read and pay attention here!

DO NOT try to use "reverse psychology." This is the type of communication that many resources on the internet suggest.

This term relates to a way of relating that suggests the person do exactly the opposite of what you really want. The assumption being you will get them to rebel into doing exactly what you want. Another term for this: manipulation.

Reverse Psychology may work on your 5 year old: "don't you dare drink that milk! You do NOT want to get strong!" But it will NOT work on an adult.

It may surprise your spouse, and just for a moment, confuse them. But then they will be onto you. And you will lose even more credibility.

Remember, by the time your spouse tells you there is a problem, he or she has been thinking about it for awhile. The various scenarios have been painted. It may be news to you, but it is not to your spouse.

Whatever reverse psychology you might use, it will do one of 2 things:

1) lead your spouse to think you agree (when you do not),

2) lead your spouse to think you are not taking it seriously (when you do).

So, no reverse psychology!

Also, don't get caught up in believing you need to fix everything in one conversation, either right after your spouse "drops the bomb" or any other time. Marriages are not saved or destroyed in a single conversation.

We all are great script writers. We are worthy of Oscars. The only problem is, we are all writing the scripts, but no one else is following OUR script! They are following (or trying to follow) the one in their own head.

While you are rehearsing that conversation and how it will go, realize it won't go that way, so don't place all your hopes on that one convincing, transforming conversation. Your spouse is following a very different script.

Don't try to initiate a big relationship talk. This is not the time to delve into your issues, hashing them out, and hoping for resolution. Remember: psychological reactance. The more you push, the more the other person will resist.

Also remember that the more we talk about our beliefs, the more deeply we believe them.

The more your spouse repeats his/her feelings of unhappiness and belief that the marriage is doomed, the more deeply he/she will come to believe it.

Don't dodge your spouse's relationship conversations. Just don't initiate them or perpetuate them. Listen. Don't correct. Listen. Don't argue. Listen. Actively listen. Ask questions, clarify to make sure your spouse feels heard and that you understand (not agree, just understand what he/she is saying).

If you can't beg and plead, and you can't pretend to agree, what can you do?

Gather your courage. And remind yourself that courage is not the absence of fear, but acting in spite of fear. Your brain and body will not be calm and clear. But you will choose to overcome what your brain and body are screaming -- flee or fight. You will choose to act in courage.

Thank your spouse for being honest and sharing.

Be very clear that it probably took a great deal of energy for your spouse to even speak. This is true, even if you do not agree with what your spouse said. It still took energy. It was a risk. Honor that, even if you don't like what was said.

For example, "Wow! That must have been hard to say! That is hard to hear, but I am sure it was harder to say."

Accept that what he or she said is what he or she feels (at least right now).

For example, "I think I understand how you are feeling. Is this right? (then repeat what you think you heard)"

It is important to check to make sure you understood what your spouse said. I have heard from many people that assume they are headed for divorce, when in reality, the spouse just needed the relationship to change.

You can also verbalize that you are a bit surprised (if you are), and that you do not feel the same way, but certainly understand that is how he/she feels.

Also, you can state how sad you are that there is so much disconnection that you were unaware (if you were unaware). If you were aware of the disconnect, you can say it: "I have been feeling disconnected, too. I am so sad we are at this place."

Be careful. This is not the time to problem-solve. No suggestions of how to fix the problem. At this point, you want to hear your spouse, let him/her know you listened, that you know it was hard to say, and a statement of your own sadness.

There is time for rebuilding in the days to come.

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20 Things Everyone Should Do Before Having Kids

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1. Enjoy having a tidy, clean, cool-looking apartment. Once babies come, your place will be overrun with crap - big, plastic baby crap, at first, and then big, plastic toddler crap, and then random crap like shoes and backpacks and then teenage crap which I don't even want to think about yet.

2. Have a real vacation. Several of them. And travel to far-away lands.

3. Get all the drugs and booze and partying out of your system. I'm looking at you, Snooki.

4. Achieve some career goals. You'll definitely still have a chance to pursue career goals once you have kids, but your time will be much more limited and it will help if you already have some successes under you to give you a leg up.

5. Sleep naked as much as possible.

6. Sleep in.

7. Get health insurance. Duh.

8. Fail at something epically.

Parenting poses lots of challenges and chances are you are going to fail at some of them before you succeed. Or you're going to succeed for a while and then fail a little. Or you're going to have children who fail at some things, sometimes. Having experience dealing with epic failure and the resulting emotions will make you better equipped to handle failures in parenting.

9. Establish some savings and an emergency nest egg that will support your family (i.e. cover all bills and living expenses) for at least six months.

10. Spend time with kids (kids in the family, friends' kids, in a volunteer position, or just go hang out at your local ice cream parlor for a few hours on a Saturday afternoon).

11. Spend holidays with people other than your family.

When you have children, your parents and your partners' parents are suddenly going to want to see "you" (i.e. your kids) a lot more. Every holiday will be spoken for, whether it's with your family or your in-laws, so take advantage of the freedom to spend Thanksgiving with your best friends before it becomes a reason to make you feel guilty for keeping your children away from their grandparents.

12. Cuss as much as you want without putting money in a swear jar or apologizing to your spouse or pretending you said "fudge" or "tassel."

13. Next month, take 1/4 of your monthly income and either set it on fire or, better, donate it to a local children's charity, and see if you can still afford to pay your bills and maybe order a pizza one Friday night.

14. See movies in the movie theater - lots of movies, as many as you can. Once you have kids, you'll have a hard time justifying the expense of a babysitter so you and your spouse can hang around in the dark together not talking and not having sex. And if you have the chance to go without your significant other, you'll probably want to spend that time catching up with friends, getting your nails done, or sleeping instead.

15. Spend three nights in a row waking up every two hours for an hour each time, and imagine doing that for three months while your ears bleed.

16. Take an infant CPR class.

17. Spend an afternoon spelling out words, like "i-c-e c-r-e-a-m" and "s-w-i-m-m-i-n-g p-o-o-l" to your significant other. See if you still want to bone at the end of the day.

18. Have lots of morning sex.

19. Own white furniture.

20. Decide for sure whether you really want them.

Wendy Atterberry runs the relationship advice website, DearWendy, which she launched in January, 2011. Her column has been featured or mentioned on CNN.com, the Washington Post, the Today Show, Glamour.com, and NPR, among others.

If you have a relationship/dating question she can help answer, you can send her your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

You can follow Wendy on Facebook here.

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Vivaah - Meaning, Types and Traditions

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'Vivaah' is a Sanskrit word that means marriage or matrimony in English. Sometimes in English, it is also spelled as vivah, vivaha and vivaaha etc. It is a Hindu wedding ceremony that is replete with characteristic rituals and ceremonies unique to India and its religion of Hinduism. A Hindu marriage differs considerably from the western modern marriages in every context of meaning, beliefs, rituals and ceremonies.

Significance

Hindu marriages or for that matter almost any Hindu ritual or ceremony is generally performed using the Sanskrit language, and that is how the Hindu marriage came to be known as vivaah. Literally speaking, it is the coming together of a man and a woman upholding their Dharma or duty for pro-creating and sustaining humanity in the world. It throws open to you all the pleasures and prosperity of life, more like a utopian gateway and is nothing less than spiritual exaltation. It is more of a sacrament than a contract.

Types - As per Vedas

As per the Vedas and various Hindu scriptures, there are eight essential types of vivaaha. Not all of them are considered sanctimonious and rightful. They are - Brahma, Deva, Rishi, Prajaapatya, Asura, Gandarva, Rakshasa and Paishaach.

Tradition and Customs

Hindu marriage or vivah is performed in a series of steps as per the Hindu scriptures or vedas. First the groom-to-be or brahmachari asks the hand of the girl he chooses to marry through elders in his family from her father. This is then concluded with blessings and mantras praying for a successful union of the bride and the groom and a harmonious life ahead. This is known as vaak daanam.

After this is the ritual of kanyaa danaam, wherein, the core ceremony of marriage or vivaah is performed in the presence of both the families. There are lots of rituals performed which seal the merger of the bride with the groom. Kanyaa danaam literally means giving away the daughter. Here, the bride's parents are giving away their daughter to the groom and his family where she will start a new life altogether.

Hindu marriages are so colorful and rich in meaning and beliefs. Also, this religion being a vast one, includes several castes and families within, pertaining to various locations around India and hence there are so many different types of Hindu weddings, each unique to their place and customs such as, for example, the Iyer weddings which are performed by the Iyer community of Tamil Nadu and Rajput weddings performed by the Rajput community of North India. Every Hindu wedding is so starkly different and unique from one another, it is difficult to believe that all of these traditions are a part of one single religion.

Compared to other religions such as Christianity or Islam, the Hindu wedding traditions are not as structured or defined, every smallest of the communities perform the vivaah in their own way.

Arranged marriages were the norm in the past in India. These days people use services of matrimonial websites for seeking a partner for Vivaah. You can also checkout this website vivaah.com which has profiles of brides and grooms from various religions and castes of India.

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The Secret Romantic Side of Men

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What Men Find Romantic

Men generally get a bad rap when it comes to romance. And what better time to set the record straight than Romance Awareness Month. That's right, August is Romance Awareness Month, and it's the perfect time to bring a little romance back into your relationship.

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I've worked with hundreds of clients to improve their relationships and bring romance back. And I generally hear many of the same complaints from women: "He doesn't pay attention to me anymore", "The passion is gone in our relationship", and "He's not as romantic as he used to be." If any of these complaints sound familiar, you're about to be pleasantly surprised these complaints can be turned around...

In preparation for Romance Awareness Month, I surveyed men and women to learn their views on romance. And what the men shared will probably shock you!

Here's the biggie: two-thirds of men rated romance as being "Pretty Darn Important" to them. If that surprises you, you're in good company; more than half the women surveyed rated romance as being "Not That Important" to men. So how is it that men consider romance so important, but women think of men as being unromantic?

First, men and women define romance differently. For men, romance often equates to physical touch. Yes, this can mean sex, but that's not the only physical touch that men crave. A hug, a steamy good-bye kiss, a snuggle while you're watching American Idol, these are all essential elements of romance for men. Women tend to miss these because women don't usually equate physical touch and romance the way men do.

Second, men are far more sensitive to rejection by their partners than women recognize. Men are so reliant on the approval of their partners that even the slightest hint of disapproval or rejection can wreak havoc on a man's psyche. Men live to make their wives happy, and when they don't feel they are able to do that, they tend to shut down. They withdraw out of hurt. And this withdrawal is what women tend to perceive as a lack of caring and lack of attention.

The good news is that women have tremendous power to change their relationships. Because men look to their women for emotional comfort, a few simple gestures by a woman can make a powerful change in the relationship. So in honor of Romance Awareness Month, here's how to feed your man's romantic side:

Send him a flirtatious or steamy text message. This is especially important if most of your communication is of the "please stop and get milk on the way home" variety. Just a quick sentence or two can bring a smile to his face and make him look forward to getting home to see you.
Capture the power of touch. Touch is a powerful non-verbal communication. To men, this is a form of connection, closeness, and intimacy. Even a simple touch on the arm when you're talking to him can be significant. Of course, feel free to let your imagination run wild, your man is likely to appreciate all the physical contact you give him.
Let him be your hero. Share with your husband how much you appreciate him, and he'll be in heaven. Even if there's tension in your relationship, find something you appreciate about him: how hard he works, his parenting skills, his passionate side, or his ability to fix that weird clunking noise your car was making.

Imagine what your relationship would be like if you took a few minutes each day to find a way to feed your partner's romantic side? He'll appreciate the effort you're making and start looking for ways to reciprocate. And THAT'S what Romance Awareness Month is all about.

If you and your spouse are constantly fighting with each other, or have simply grown apart, don't give up on the relationship. The Gottman Method for Couples Therapy can transform troubled marriages into strong marriages. If you live in Boca Raton, or in the South Florida area, you should visit http://www.bocamarriagecounseling.com/ to learn more about the services available to you.

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Symptoms of Marital Problems

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Marital problems don't just show up over night. Most marital problems show up early in a relationship as minor disappointments and tensions. However, some couples lack the emotional intelligence to resolve the "heart" of an issue. Couples fight about "trivial" topics sometimes that disguise underlying issues related to needs for understanding, support, and respect. When couples get into these negative, circular, blaming and defensive arguments they can get stuck for years. The longer the negative cycle continues, the deeper the resentment and emotional alienation.

Early detection and resolution of these marital "symptoms" will greatly enhance a couples chances for resolution, deeper understanding, and enhanced partnership.

Does your relationship have any of these "symptoms"?

Are you dissatisfied with how you talk to your partner?Do you feel misunderstood by your partner?Do you not feel close enough to your partner?Do you ever feel criticized by your partner?Are you unhappy with the amount of affection from your partner?Do you sometimes feel devalued or disrespected by your partner?Do you feel controlled or unsupported by your partner?Do you have trouble communicating with your partner in an open and honest way?Are you dissatisfied with how both of you work through conflict?Do you sometimes think that responsibilities for housework and childcare are shared unfairly?Do you and your partner have difficulty balancing time spent together and separately?Do you have chronic disagreements about money?Do you have disagreements on how to parent the children?Do you feel that your sex life could be better?

If you are experiencing any of these relationship "symptoms," you can first relax because conflicts over these issues are normal. Couples counseling and marriage counseling can help you manage your emotional conflict and therefore, enhance your relationship satisfaction. Counseling can give you the information, the strategies, and the tools to work through your differences effectively. Counseling can help you:

Recognize the "real" reasons for dumb fightsRegulate anger, frustration, and blamingReveal your longings and your fearsRelease the pastRebuild trustRespond less defensivelyRelinquish controlling behaviorsRepair damageRenew your commitmentRestore your passion

At the first signs of distress, seek the advice of a seasoned relationship expert. Statistics on divorcing couples say that the average distressed couple waited 6 years before they seek advice from a couples counselor. Six years of distress can leave a lot of damage. Don't wait 6 years when you can solve your relationship problems and be happier today!

Rhonda Audia, LCSW, is an expert on relationships, emotional healing and recovery from divorce. She is the director of Tampa Family Conflict Center in Tampa, Florida. Tampa Family Conflict Center offers marriage and couples counseling, divorce therapy, and relationship education.

To learn more about Rhonda Audia and the Tampa Family Conflict Center, visit her website at: http://www.tampafamilyconflict.com/

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3 Signs Your Marriage Is In Trouble

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Marriage can be a roller coaster, and even the most solid unions will have times of closeness and difficulty. Sometimes it is important to take a closer look at signs of a bigger problem. If you see anything familiar in the following list, you may benefit from marriage counseling.

Conversation Often Leads To Conflict

Conflict itself isn't a problem in a marriage. When handled with concern and respect, it can actually relieve tension. Disagreement or emotional upset can be an opportunity to solve a problem or create new understanding. But when the slightest difference in opinion seems to trigger daily arguments, your marriage could be suffering. Not only could you become adversaries, you could also be missing situations that truly need a solution or calm discussion.

It's not necessary to bring every possible conflict out to the open. When you can focus on the most important issues and learn to let go of the smaller problems, you can bring a lot of positive change to your relationship. But if your arguments constantly get out of control, they can destroy your marriage.

You Rarely Have Conversation At All

Marriage isn't always fireworks and long discussions. But when you find that you hardly make conversation at all with your spouse, the silence can mean your connection is weakening. When disagreements come up, you tend to hold your tongue. When you're emotionally upset, you turn away from each other instead of leaning on each other.

It may seem like a lack of conflict wouldn't be a bad thing. However, it does mean that you aren't facing your challenges together. It shows a lack of trust in each other. Sharing something vulnerable or deep seems like too big of a risk. Perhaps you fear that you'll start fighting and never stop. Or, you might be afraid to find out neither one of you care much anymore. Either way, the silence is a sign that something needs to be done to strengthen your connection before it weakens any further.

You Live Very Separate Lives And You Prefer It This Way

You work the day shift, your partner works the night shift. You each have meetings, activities, and activities to occupy your time. You might run into each other here and there, but most of the time you don't count on it. The problem with this? You don't seem to mind seeing your spouse except for random moments. At this point, your marriage may operate more like a casual roommate arrangement than a loving marriage.

Sometimes people get busy or have jobs that require a lot of time away from home. If you miss your spouse terribly and make the most of opportunities to be together, that's one thing. When it's a matter of routine and you don't make much effort to change it, that could be a bad sign. What would happen if you had more time around each other? Could you see yourself being happier, more distressed, or would you avoid each other anyway? Marriage counseling can help you find out before it's too late to save your relationship.

Dr. Drema Dial is creator of the groundbreaking workshop: Amazing Life, Amazing Love where she teaches her exact formula for creating a life you love to live.

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Here's How You Can Quickly And Easily Get Your Hands On Warm, Loving, Proven Wedding Vows In Just 3 1/2 Minutes!

See How Easily You Can Throw The Wedding Of Your Dreams On A Shoe-String Budget!